I have been working so much since Blaine had cheated on me with Sebastian. Even though I was on the road to forgiveness, I still feel sick whenever I thought about it and there was anger bubbling in my stomach. It was still cheating even though I knew it was happening, Blaine went and did something that was just ours. I can’t touch Blaine much at the moment, yes we snuggled when we watched a movie because its what we always did. But I can’t kiss him or hug him or shower with him because he just thought about Sebastian doing things like that with him. Sebastian and Blaine had kissed a fair few times and Sebastian was his first kiss, even though he didn’t remember. Sebastian kissed him first and was the first person besides me to have an interest in Blaine. Even though Blaine swore he has no feelings for Sebastian, I’m still unsure because every time Sebastian wanted something, Blaine went running. The many kisses they’ve shared and now the sex, seeing Blaine’s body and touching it and licking it. It hurt so much, this hurt more than anything that has ever happened to me. Blaine doesn’t understand completely how much he means to me, he’s literally everything. Although Blaine said that he loves me more than anything in the world, I know that he loves me but I do everything for him. I treat him all the time, take him places and surprise him with gifts and romantic gestures. But Blaine had never done that, ever and that also pained me. He could’ve done anything he wanted, he could’ve made me something or drew me a picture but he didn’t because he didn’t want to. He loved getting things from me instead of giving back. I just really needed to know how much Blaine loved me, not the things he was given.
Maybe now was the right time for this to happen to our relationship, especially since I had planned to propose. Blaine never planned on proposing, it was always me who came up with the ideas. I knew that Blaine loves me but I need to be shown more because this is what causes me to be worried about things like Sebastian. Sebastian clicks his fingers and Blaine goes running, it won’t end. God it’s like that tv show that Blaine insists we watch because it had vampires in it, it’s like the whole Stefan/Elena/Damon story. I’m Stefan, Blaine’s Elena and Sebastian is Damon. Elena denies the feelings but she loves Damon and she kissed him a few times. It’s like Blaine, he denies having any feelings for Sebastian but whenever something happens, he goes to Sebastian and something happens between them. What the hell am I supposed to do? Blaine won’t even touch me, he hadn’t since not long after we started dating. We used to give handjobs instead of sex but then it stopped when the sex began. Now, I’m worried that Blaine didn’t even want it any more. He never ever topped or initiated and it made me feel so bad, like I’m not even worth it or so disgusting that Blaine wouldn’t want to. Blaine would kiss but never do any kind of touching and every time I topped, it hurt because I remembered how Blaine would never do it or want to.
I love Blaine more than anything in the whole world and that’s true, I would give up blood for Blaine and drink vervain if it made him happy. I would do anything for that boy, he was the only person that I have. I have no family and my old vampire friends either don’t contact me, were dead or thought they were too good for me. I only have and trusted Blaine so to be betrayed the way I was, was just heartbreaking. Yes I knew it was going to happen but Blaine just told me what was said. I told him to just let Sebastian kill me, that was me telling Blaine not to do it because I would rather die than let Sebastian and Blaine have sex. Blaine knew what this would do to me and he knew that I didn’t want it at all but he just did it anyway. I thought I should be in control of my own life but obviously I can’t. I have a lot to forgive him for and its going to take some time.
I’ve noticed that all the food that I got in for Blaine is still there, I don’t think he’s eating as well as sleeping. I know he’s not sleeping because I can see the bags under his eyes. I think he’s punishing himself more than he should be, I’m going to have to talk to him, tell him that what he’s doing is not impressing me or winning me over. I’ll have to kick his ass.